Larry the Cable Guy Wisdom

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some
people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple
of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in
the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked
into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, “What the heck happened?”

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we
would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates; it’s more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt
tomorrow

Ear Hair

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this
from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover
and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this
under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The druggist says: “Stay off your BIKE for a week.”

How Many Motorcycle Forum Members Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

How many motorcycle forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL’s

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Marty Moates Dies at 49

December 12, 2006

Larry Lawrence

Marty Moates, the underdog motocross racer who earned a memorable upset victory in the 1980 500cc United States Grand Prix at Carlsbad, California, died Thursday night (Dec. 7) from an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound.

He was found in his car by his wife around the corner from the couple’s home in La Costa, California, according to reports.

Moates was 49.

The news of Moates’ death shocked and saddened the country’s motocross fraternity. There was an outpouring of grief and condolences on the motocross message board this weekend.

“I’m crying as I write this and I’m sure you are, too. I considered Marty as a friend and can’t believe he’s gone. He was one of the nicest people I have ever met, and I really mean that,” said one message on Motonews.com.

Steve Wise, a fellow racer who competed against Moates in the early 1980s was bewildered when he heard the news of Moates’ passing.

“I remember Marty has always being happy and always having a smile,” Wise said. “That’s what so baffles me about what happened. He was always upbeat, outgoing and having fun. That’s the way I’ll always remember him.”

Even though he retired from professional competition in the early 1980s, Moates continued to be highly visible in the sport. He was often a special guest rider in legends off-road events such as Yamaha’s Race of Champions and FMF’s Tour of Baja. He also continued to ride Supermoto events for fun.

Moates emerged from the hotbed of Southern California motocross in the mid-1970s. In 1977, while still a virtual unknown on the AMA National scene, he was tapped by Ossa to contest the 250cc Grands Prix. Injuries stopped that assault, but not before Moates collected a very respectable fifth-place finish in the Czech GP.

Moates was a leading rider of the late 1970s and early 1980s and was known for getting the most out of machinery that was less than competitive.

Moates finished ranked inside the top-10 in the AMA 500cc Motocross Championship in both 1979 and 1980. In 1979 he scored 500cc National podium finishes at Mt. Morris, Pa., and Charlotte, N.C. During the 1980, he earned another podium, this time at Washougal, Wash. He was also a leading rider in the Trans-USA Series (previously known as the Trans-Am Series). In 1979 Moates scored three top 10 finishes, ending the season ranked eighth.

The signature win for Moates came in the USGP at Carlsbad June 22, 1980. The race was later shown for a national television audience on ABC’s Wide World of Sports.

“This was the first [U.S. GP] race I ever came to,” Moates said, beaming after winning the race. “I just thought, ‘I can’t believe this his happening.’ It was great. I’ve dreamed about this race every year and now it’s happened.

Moates was the first American to win the prestigious 500cc USGP.

Wise said that Moates’ win at the USGP was one of the most impressive things he ever witnessed.

“He was riding a privateer Yamaha,” Wise recalls. “It was sponsored by this company out of Chicago I think, called LOP. To win that race as a privateer was amazing. It’s one of those races that just sticks in your mind for the rest of your life because it was such a happy surprise.”

Marty tried to keep his racing hidden from his father according to Moates’ mother Jacqueline. “His father did want him to race because he might get hurt,” she said. “But after he won the USGP it came out in the paper and his father told me with a smile, ‘I knew he was racing all along.’”

Moates went on to attain success outside of racing also. He joined with brothers Mark and Brian Simo to create No Fear. More recently Moates became president of FMF International, a motocross clothing brand that is a partnership between FMF and No Fear.

“What Marty did for racing after his own career was over was a great influence in the sport,” said Broc Glover, who grew up racing with Moates at Carlsbad. “He was always the underdog when he raced so he was quick to help riders who were underdogs too. Marty was great at the business aspect of racing, and he gave back so much to the sport he loved so much.”

Moates was a caring person outside of racing as well. He was part of a group of motorcycle racers that attended the Big Air Kid’s Fair at Loma Linda University Children’s Hospital. He rolled a huge cart from room to room at the hospital passing out gifts, making the day a little brighter for each patient.

In recent years Moates has suffered a lot from the pain of multiple back surgeries according to his sister Shirley Jones.

“I don’t consider Marty’s death a suicide,” Jones said. “He was taking so many pills because of his back pain he was not in his right mind. He would have never done something like that had he not been under the influence of these pain pills.”

Moates is survived by his wife, Heather, and a son, Cody, daughters Jessica and Nicky, a sister Shirley Jones, brother David Moates and his mother Jacqueline. His father Martin passed away in 1980.

A memorial service is scheduled for Tuesday, December 12, 2006, at 11:00 AM at the Horizon Christian Fellowship North, 6365 El Apajo Road in Rancho Santa Fe, California.

Donations can also be mailed in Marty’s memory to:
Loma Linda University Children’s Hospital Foundation
P.O. Box 2000
Loma Linda, CA 92354

Murphey’s Hat

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”

Pearly Gates Interview

A man was at the pearly gates -

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“I sure have!” the man said. “On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I walked up to the biggest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the kisser, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh*t out of all of you!

“St. Peter was very impressed, “When did this happen?”

“A couple of minutes ago.”

AMA KOAst to KOAst Grand Tour

The AMA is sponsoring or sanctioning at least size tours this year. One of those, the AMA KOASt to KOAst tour, allows you to get points for touring at your own pace. You will receive a Grand Tour starter pin when you enter and a finisher pin once you have collected 25 points, and you will then be eligible for the prize drawings.

All that is required is that you ride to any of the over 400 KOA campgrounds and take a picture of your bike under the Big Yellow Sign. For each one you will receive one point. If you stay overnight, you will receive two points toward the 25 needed to be eligible for the prize drawing.

Prizes have been dontated by the following companies:

• Baxley Trailer & Chocks
• CTEK Smart Chargers
• Tork motorcycle headsets
• Chatterbox USA
• Chase Harper
• Roadgear
• TomTom

Entry fees for AMA members are $15 for solo and $17 for two up. For non-members the fees are: $18 for solo and $20 for two up.

You can find out more information about this and other AMA tours by going to this page on the AMA website.

Texas Phone Poll

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:

A) 35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”

B) 65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”

Email Mixup

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to F Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack k. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

The Shallow End of the Gene Pool

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up!”

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot! boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRU E.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer!

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