Murphey’s Hat
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right?”
Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I left me hat.”
Pearly Gates Interview
A man was at the pearly gates -
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“I sure have!” the man said. “On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I walked up to the biggest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the kisser, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh*t out of all of you!
“St. Peter was very impressed, “When did this happen?”
“A couple of minutes ago.”
AMA KOAst to KOAst Grand Tour
The AMA is sponsoring or sanctioning at least size tours this year. One of those, the AMA KOASt to KOAst tour, allows you to get points for touring at your own pace. You will receive a Grand Tour starter pin when you enter and a finisher pin once you have collected 25 points, and you will then be eligible for the prize drawings.
All that is required is that you ride to any of the over 400 KOA campgrounds and take a picture of your bike under the Big Yellow Sign. For each one you will receive one point. If you stay overnight, you will receive two points toward the 25 needed to be eligible for the prize drawing.
Prizes have been dontated by the following companies:
- Baxley Trailer & Chocks
- CTEK Smart Chargers
- Tork motorcycle headsets
- Chatterbox USA
- Chase Harper
- Roadgear
- TomTom
Entry fees for AMA members are $15 for solo and $17 for two up. For non-members the fees are: $18 for solo and $20 for two up.
You can find out more information about this and other AMA tours by going to this page on the AMA website.
Texas Phone Poll
The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas
asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
B) 65% of respondents answered: “No es una problema serio.”
Email Mixup
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to F Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack k. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here
The Shallow End of the Gene Pool
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up!”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot! boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
(NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRU E.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was the trailer!
Blonde at the Post Office
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12
Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptist
Biker’s Letter to Dear Abbey
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve cover on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Bob
Biker’s Letter to Dear Abbey
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve cover on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks, Bob
Words Women Use
- FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
- Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
- Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
- That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
- Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.
- Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying S%#@W YOU!
- Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, “what’s wrong” - for the woman’s response refer to # 3.
